Hi, this is a question I have been wanting to ask for so long. I finally found this place to let it out. It feels a little sad but also GREAT!
I am an Asian, so if some words I use here are not 100% precise, please endure me.
I am 33 years old, highly educated with a PhD degree. I thought I could figure most of the things out if I really put effort into it, but I tried and tried hard, I couldn’t figure out a very basic thing about myself, my sexuality.
Since I was a little girl, maybe 12 or 13, I started having feelings towards females, female teacher, female friends… not really in a sexual way, just a way of wanting to be cared and loved by them, and wanting to be close to them, both physically and emotionally. In my culture, it is not something you can talk about or ask questions. So I hid those feelings all those years, never talked about it, never acted on it. I still have never acted on it to this day.
I came to US when I was 23. I started to research more about it. And I realized that what I truly longed for from a woman is the tender, warm intimacy, cuddling, and (I think so?!) sex. When I imagine or fantasize, I am only into women’s upper body, or, above the waist (eyes, lips, breasts). I am not into the bottom sex area at all. But I do fantasize a woman to make love to my entire body. I think I would enjoy that greatly.
About men, I like men, I care about them, and I enjoy having sex with them. I am married. My husband is a great guy and I love him. I do need to have sex with him regularly to balance my system. He is the only person with whom I discussed the issue freely. He thinks that it is just a sex fantasy of mine. But you see, the ways I feel toward women and men are different. I always feel nervous, hard-to-relax, very self-conscious when I am around a woman I have feelings for. But with men, I am always calm and rational.
So am I lesbian, or bisexual? How to live with it?
Thank you so, so much for your help.
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http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/
